We tried to limit our soft plastic usage (switching to glass storage), both stopped smoking weed and both worked to up our protein intake. Brian cooled it a bit on biking and I started doing more yoga and running a bit more as I wanted to be able to run during pregnancy. I bought a giant metal water bottle to up my hydration. I started lowering my caffeine intake (switching from coffee to tea and then to less tea) and stopped drinking (not that I drank much before).

We both tried to destress as much as we could. For me this involved journaling and getting more sleep, going to acupuncture and also sharing a bit more of what I needed day-to-day with Brian

I also went through all of my skincare to see what was pregnancy safe and replaced things that weren’t. The website 15 minute beauty was helpful for this!

I tried two different ovulation test strips, one of the inexpensive types that you dip in urine and then the fancy Clear Blue ones that look more like pregnancy tests. I bought both via FSA store with my VPN on. The less expensive strips never worked for me! I’m not sure if it had to do with the temperature in my bathroom or I was using them wrong, but this caused a lot of anxiety for me so I would recommend one of the digital tests for less headache.

With the Clear Blue I messed up and only started testing after my period ended but I was still able to identify my ovulation window and peak fertility day.

There are a lot of different theories about how to operate around your ovulation period. I’ll share what my OB suggested and what my acupuncturist suggested.

Our OB suggested that we have sex for the ten days after my period ended, or at least every other day. We did this the first time I got pregnant.

Our acupuncturist suggested only having sex on peak ovulation day and to have sex 3 times (!!!) that day, the goal was for me to orgasm first and also each time we had sex. He told us to only have sex if we were both in the mood and to skip the month if we were stressed or not feeling romantic.

I won’t get too into the nitty gritty, but we had sex a few times during only the later portion of my ovulation window, and only when we were both feeling relaxed on my second pregnancy.

I happened to notice implantation cramping and bleeding on my second pregnancy, but didn’t during my first. I tracked this in my Health app because I was actually worried that it was a sign that something was wrong with my cycle.

During the ‘two week wait’ I just kept up all of the normal preconception stuff I was doing. I did make a plan about fun things I would do on my period though (trip to a bathhouse in Brooklyn and eating sushi were top of my list!), it felt nice to think of things that would be fun to do each period as we tried.

I would recommend holding out as long as you can to test, they really do get more accurate the longer you wait! I ended up using the First Response tests and only tested with them when I was 3-4 days out from my normal period start.

I also liked the guided runs from the Nike running app about running (or walking!) while pregnant.

I experienced a fair amount of cramping / growing pains and also headaches in my first trimester. While it’s generally considered safe to take some pain relievers (check with your OB for a list!), I felt more at ease skipping them. I used warm (not hot) showers, lavender oil and a cup of black tea to deal with most headaches / body aches.

For nausea and bloating, I found hydrating and moving to both be really helpful. I wish I’d started the Every Mother workout routines in my first trimester as they helped me a lot with bloating in the start of my second trimester. Ginger and citrus were also great helps! I sucked on lemon candies quite a bit and drank water with lemon and ginger juice in it.

Both times during my first appointment my urine and blood were taken and I was weighed. I was asked what the first day of my last period was by the nurse to determine an early guess at a due date. In NY OBs must test for common STIs, so I had a swab taken of my cervix, there may be different expectations in different states.

My OB has given me an ultrasound each visit in my first trimester, but some OBs like to wait until 8 or 12 weeks and will use a Doppler up until that point to check for a heartbeat.

During the first trimester, all ultrasounds are trans-vaginal ultrasounds which will require you to undress from the waist down and includes the use of a wand. I mention this because it’s not uncommon for some people to spot after these ultrasounds as your cervix can become friable during pregnancy. During the ultrasound your OB will be looking to see if there is a viable pregnancy, if you are carrying multiples, to look for movement / heartbeat and to measure the length of the embryo / fetus. It can sometimes take a little bit of time to locate baby, so if you’re nervous it can be helpful to ask your provider to narrate out loud while they are taking a look (stenographers who are not OBs might not be able to give you a diagnosis though!). Based on the baby’s length they’ll give you another due date window.

After 10 weeks you’ll be able to opt into a non-invasive screening test referred to as the NIPT. This test requires a sample of your blood. With this sample your Free Cell DNA is examined. Within this blood is some fetal blood and so they can deduce if it’s likely that baby has chromosomal abnormalities and also what the gender is. These tests are generally very accurate, but you can read more about them in Emily Oster’s ‘Expecting Better.’ This test was covered by my insurance, but can be expensive! Some providers will only offer this test if you are over 35, but generally in the US it’s available to anyone who wants it. Depending on a variety of different factors, your ‘fetal fraction’ (% of the blood that is baby’s) may vary — but generally anything over 4% is good to go. Be sure to drink a lot of water before this test! They’ll take quite a bit of blood!

Based on the outcome of your NIPT you may be offered additional diagnostic tests. I don’t have experience with these, but ‘Expecting Better’ and ‘Bumpin’ both have good explanations.

You may experience different types of vaginal discharge in the first trimester. If you start to have more watery discharge this is super normal and is known as leukorrhea. I also had two instances of brownish/pinkish discharge with my second pregnancy — it was scary of course, but very normal and my OB stressed that it was nothing to worry about, but do reach out to your provider if you experience non clear/milky discharge and are nervous. Generally any amount of blood less than a teaspoon isn’t anything serious.

My breast grew quite quickly and quite fast. I went up a cup size in my first trimester. Early on I experienced a lot of breast tenderness and some lumps and bumps in and on my breasts, lumps in my breasts went away with the help of a hot compress and the bumps on my areolas were a par for the course change, I just wasn’t expecting it (they’re related to milk production). Along with growth and sensitivity, I found my breasts to be quite itchy from my skin stretching so I have been using a Weleda stretch mark oil on my breasts as well which helps a lot.

Along with nausea I experienced dysgeusia, which is when your mouth tastes like metal or very sweet. Most commonly my mouth tasted like metal and this lasted for the majority of my first trimester. Citrus flavors helped me a lot as well as a lavender scented lip balm.

While I felt nauseated often, I was lucky to never throw-up. I did have some food aversions with both pregnancies and I’d personally encourage others to not try to push past them, even if it’s a ‘healthy’ food you ‘should’ be eating (doing so, especially with tinned fish made it hard for me to even eat this food when not pregnant). The first trimester isn’t your whole pregnancy and the baby will take from you what they need to grow. Just eat what you can, take your vitamins if you can and be easy on yourself. Some foods I could rely on no matter how nauseated I was were: grape nuts with plant milk, homemade protein shakes with plant milk + frozen banana, any fruits but especially citrus fruits, kombucha, string cheese, kale salads, toast, rice and beans, carrots and other crudités. If you’re feeling badly about not eating veggies, see how you can up your fruit intake. If your normal protein sources are unappealing then you can experiment with protein powders and bars.

Personally I found bloating to be really extreme in the first trimester! At 10 weeks I felt and looked like I imagined someone might look at 18 weeks. It helped to have some loose pants to wear even though I wasn’t mentally ready for maternity clothes. Walking and staying hydrated helped a lot, but generally as they day went on I just got more and more bloated (I’d wake up in the morning looking ‘normal’ and end the day significantly bloated). I think doing the core compression exercises from Every Mother might have helped as it’s helped with bloating in my second trimester.

Towards the end of my first trimester I started to experience hip and back pain. I wasn’t showing very much, but I found that I was already rounding my back quite a bit. Pelvic floor and deep core exercises (like Every Mother and prenatal yoga) helped me a lot. As did warm showers and sleeping with a pillow between my legs / moving over to a pregnancy body pillow. I also tend to wear really flat shoes and found that a slight heel helped me quite a bit. If you are having back pain and feel comfortable with it, a belly band can help even before you feel like you’re ‘really showing.’

I found the pregnancy forums to be especially intoxicating and destabilizing in my first trimester. If you end up in those spaces it’s good to remember that people are more likely to post when things aren’t going well vs when they are going well. If you need time away from them, books or asking your provider questions can be a good way to avoid spiraling on the internet.

I found journalling to be super helpful! I also found that I needed to sometimes be a bit more direct in sharing how I was feeling / what I needed with Brian and my mom, both of whom were (and are) my primary support people. It’s nice to find someone you can be a little raw and vulnerable with.

For our first pregnancy I told only my acupuncturist and four close friends (three because they asked if we were trying). Not telling my parents and other people close to me felt really rough. I spent a lot of time worrying I was going to jinx things and also wanted to tell people in special and personal ways. When the pregnancy failed I was so sad and shaken up, I ended up telling everyone I worked closely with at work and all close friends I see on a regular basis as well as my mom — having the support of community was so helpful and sharing the loss made it feel like less of a ‘dirty secret’.

For our second pregnancy I told my mom two days after my positive pregnancy test via phone since she was out of state. I told close friends as I saw them and told my manager who had been incredibly supportive after my loss after we had our first appointment. I ended up telling my product manager at around 9 weeks because I needed to shift my schedule and then the rest of the design leadership team and the folks I support at 12-14 weeks as I needed to start planning for my leave. I told friends I hadn’t seen in-person after my first anatomy scan at 16 weeks.

The most important thing is to do what feel comfortable to you. If having someone to celebrate with or someone to support you feels good, then sharing can be really fulfilling and calming. If sharing makes you nervous or uncomfortable then you absolutely don’t have to! It’s tricky, but you can also totally do different things with different people.

I also started to have pretty intense sinus pressure and headaches in my second trimester so I added a magnesium supplement from Natalist to my evening routine, which helped a lot. Arm and hammer unmedicated saline spray also became my BFF! If you can get this at Costco, get it there as the bottles are larger and more powerful (also less expensive). When things were really bad, acupuncture and breathe right strips helped a lot too.

My second trimester was in the summer, so I hydrated a lot (water with chia seeds, salt and citrus juice was great!), took a ton of cold showers and also used compression socks to help with swelling / general issues with the heat.

I also found that my desire for protein perked up in the second trimester so I occasionally had protein shakes made at home with whey protein.

By the middle of the second trimester I really needed a pillow to help me sleep comfortably on my side. Sometimes I used a regular pillow between my legs, sometimes I spooned a lumbar pillow and occasionally I used a c-shaped pregnancy pillow (but it took up too much room in the bed and was hard to swap sides with in the night).

The second trimester is also the time for anatomy scans. I had my first anatomy scan at 16 weeks, which was a sweet courtesy my OB extended to me due I think to my previous loss. More standard is to have your first anatomy scan at 20 weeks. These anatomy scans take a long time (at least an hour and often longer) and you’re welcome to bring someone with you. These scans happen on your abdomen, although you made need a follow-up trans vaginal ultrasound. The goal of these scans are to check on how baby is growing (lots of measuring and counting of digits, limbs, organs, eyes, etc), to take a look at how your placenta is doing and where it is located, to check amniotic fluid levels and to see how your cervix is doing. If baby isn’t feeling like complying, the tech may jiggle your abdomen or encourage you to drink some juice to get them moving. If baby still doesn’t move (or moves too much!) you might need to come back for a follow up for certain measurements and checks to happen. Often you’ll leave with some printed images to take home (warning! sonograms show eyes as cavities so your little one might look pretty skeletal in the face!). If you don’t want to know the sex of the baby, be sure to tell your tech before they begin the scan!

All of the techs I had were quite chatty and willing to talk about what they were doing. Techs are not doctors though, so while they can certainly read ultrasounds they’re not allowed to give a diagnosis — so they might not tell you how things are progressing in the scan. If you’re ever feeling nervous, it’s okay to ask questions and they can decide what they feel comfortable telling you. At the end of your scan a doctor will come in as well to share the findings with you and let you know if you need additional scans.

I had a previa (placenta was covering the cervical opening) at 16 weeks which is very normal but resulted in my having not only a scan at 16 + 20 weeks but also at 24. 90% of the time previas resolve on their own and mine did by 24 weeks. If this happens to you try not to worry!

I didn’t know much about placenta previa before my second pregnancy so I fretted about it quite a bit once I was diagnosed even though everyone around me assured me that it would work out! Since I wasn’t having any bleeding, my OB encouraged me to continue doing everything I was normally doing. My doula suggested I not get into deep squats until it resolved so I did avoid those.

Occasionally in the second trimester even when I wasn’t feeling very ‘big’ I found myself starting to waddle. I think this was due to my center of gravity changing and some low back pressure I was having. I found doing prenatal yoga, stretching, walking and doing core compressions to help. Padding under my hips when I slept was also very helpful as I had a very firm mattress at the time.

At the tail end of the second trimester I also started to have some acid reflux, especially if I hadn’t eaten in a while or if I’d done a lot of folding / looking down in yoga / life. Tums (I got the candy coated chewable kind) helped a lot, but so did drinking a little water or seltzer with apple cider vinegar before meals (also snacking often so my stomach was less likely to empty out).

During my second trimester I started going to prenatal yoga 1-2 times a week which was incredibly helpful for mitigating aches and pains. I also tried to do the daily stretches from Spinning Babies (wish I’d done them more!) and core compressions a few times a week. I also aimed to go for a brisk 3 mile walk every day.

Most importantly though, do what you can and don’t stress yourself! Follow movement that feels good and leave the rest! It’s just a short period of your life and you’ll move the ways you love again.

In retrospect I wish I’d done at least one prenatal massage (they’re so nice! Why wait?), and a check in with a chiropractor and pelvic floor physiotherapist during the second trimester. I’m sure I would have felt less pain, but it also felt like a rush to get all of these first appointments and follow-ups done in the third trimester. Of course all of these things are optional!

I first felt movement at 15 and a half weeks. It felt like a fish swishing in my low belly. It took a very long time for movements to become regular and it was easy to mistake movement for other familiar abdominal sensations. Feeling movement closer to 18-20 weeks with a first pregnancy is pretty normal. During the second trimester I could especially feel her move after drinking very fresh squeezed orange juice or when she had hiccups.

Towards the end of the second trimester I felt her multiple times a day, mostly when laying or sitting still.

On a happier note, I also joined a local parents group at this point which was super helpful and my yoga class kicked off a WhatsApp which was a great place for asking questions and being in community.

While I hope and believe truly that your pregnancy will be uncomplicated and your labor will be the one of your dreams, as someone who discovered in the third trimester that my plans were not going to be as I imagined, I’d recommend staying open to reading all of the chapters in birth books — including on induction and surgical births. Reading won’t make these things happen to you, but it can be a scramble to learn about them in real time.

In planning we focused on: finding a way for me to swim as much as possible, prioritizing time away vs travel time, prioritizing not getting stuck in an airport, and finally 10% more romance. Your priorities might be very different! I hope you do take a vacation and enjoy time with your partner / support person / friends / yourself!

I also liked the guided runs from the Nike running app about running (or walking!) while pregnant.

At 36 weeks you will probably have a growth and presentation scan, where you’ll get a size estimate of baby as well as a check-in on their position in your womb. They also check to make sure that vital organs are developing as expected. If you have complications with your pregnancy like gestational diabetes you may have more frequent scans.

The third trimester is also the time for vaccines! You’ll be offered the TDAP, COVID boosters if applicable, a flu shot depending on the season and potentially the new RSV shot. Anyone who will hang out with baby a lot (your partner, grandparents, etc) should get the TDAP shot to ensure that baby is protected from whopping cough. You can choose to either get the RSV shot while you are pregnant or to wait for baby to get their own shot when they are born. I opted to get the shot as baby was born during cold and flu season and it was the first year the shots were offered so I was scared of their being low supply.

You will also be tested by your doctor to see if you are strep B positive. This test requires a vaginal and anal swab, which isn’t very nice but is over quickly. If you are strep B positive (I was!) it will mean that you will need to be on an antibiotic drip while you deliver and baby will need a bath if you deliver vaginally. If you deliver via cesarean, strep B only affects the ability to do vaginal seeding.

Closer to your due date you may also have cervical exams. As I was scheduled for a cesarean due to baby’s breech position, I never had a cervical exam. Just know that you are allowed to say ‘no’ to these exams (I did) and this can help to avoid accidental membrane sweeps that could cause your labor to start early. Some people really like to know how far along they are though, so if knowing how you’re progressing is something that will benefit you, you can also request a cervical exam.

Relatedly, I also had pretty bad edema or swelling / water retention in my arms, fingers, legs and feet.

Massage, acupuncture, the chiropractor and prenatal yoga all helped with these symptoms but did not resolve them. It can take around 12 days after delivery for swelling to go down and carpal tunnel usually goes away when you deliver, but sometimes can linger for months.

For my carpal tunnel I tried a bunch of different wrist braces but none of them worked long term. Stretching, epsom salt baths, chiropractor and yoga all helped.

For my edema I started to limit my salt intake, spent more time with my feet up, took epsom salt baths, asked for foot rubs and got a few prenatal massages.

If life would have allowed, I would have happily swam regularly.

Overall I felt pretty good mentally during my third trimester, but circle time during prenatal yoga was super helpful for getting to hear what other people were going through and to process my own emotions around baby being in breech and preparing for birth.

Brian and I also regularly met with our doula which was nice for checking in about how we were both feeling with a supportive, neutral person.

These were just my personal emotions during this time, of course how you are feeling or how you may feel will be different and unique to you. I would encourage you to take time to be supported by people who love you and also to take some time to go inwards. Long, warm baths and gentle relaxing acupuncture really helped me with this. Wherever you are and whatever you are feeling is valid and you are going to be an amazing parent!

Pediatrician
Baby will need a pediatrician before they are born as they will need a check-up during their first week of life. If you live in New York, I’d highly recommend looking at the Park Slope Parents directory for pediatrician reviews and recommendations. We were lucky to find a pediatrician through a friend who was just a block away from us. We’ve found it really convenient to have them be so close, not for emergencies, but just logistically it’s nice to not have to travel far. We set-up a pre-arrival appointment with the pediatrician to get an intro to the office and an overview of what would happen in the first few months — this isn’t necessary but we both found it helpful.

Disability insurance if you are working
If you are working, you’ll want to kick off any disability insurance paperwork and really finalize your leave early in the third trimester (I would suggest talking to HR much earlier as a pregnant person, but the disability paperwork really kicks up in the third trimester). There are a number of forms that you’ll need your care provider to fill out, so getting those early can be helpful so you can time paperwork drop-offs with your visits. I filled out everything I could ahead of time and then submitted things once Esme was born. I wish I’d prepped more of the PDFs to be available on my phone as getting to my laptop in the first few weeks was hard for me.

Baby announcement
If you plan on doing a birth announcement of some kind by email or mail, getting everything prepped for that so all you need to do is pop in a photo and details about baby can be very helpful. I didn’t do this and it took me 4 days to get a simple postcard order placed (had to clean up addresses, design it on my phone and ask my mother in-law for other addresses, etc) it was a pain and I wished very much that I’d prepped everything ahead of time.

Nesting
Personally I felt the nesting instinct on and off starting in the second trimester. I think nesting gets a really bad rap culturally as people equate it to women wanting to do frilly things like decorate, but in reality it serves a few very important functions: getting you mentally prepared for baby’s arrival and ensuring baby has a safe and comfortable place to come home to. Many nesting tasks are super hard to do with a newborn at home (reorganizing closets, building a crib, batch cooking, deep cleaning!) so getting them done ahead of time is great! I went into deep cleaning mode for two days of my time off before baby arrived and I felt really thankful that tasks that I usually have to do just once a quarter were all finished so I wouldn’t have to think about them while baby was very little and my time was limited. These sorts of tasks included: cleaning out the fridge, deep cleaning the bathroom, dusting weird spots in the house, repotting plants, mopping the floors, seasonal laundry and bedding, washing the windows, cleaning the stove and oven, etc). Brian and I also spent a few weekends organizing all of our closets and getting rid of things that we didn’t need. This cleared up space for baby things and also made it easier for us to both know where everything was during postpartum. Additionally, if there are baby related things that you need to assemble or clean (including baby clothes) before baby arrives, I promise that you will have more time for these tasks than after. There were definitely some funny tasks that I put off (mostly sewing for baby) that I weirdly thought I’d have more time for postpartum — this was not the case!

Bonding time
Even though Brian and I went on a babymoon at the end of the second trimester, we both felt really hungry for some bonding time leading up to baby’s arrival. We planned some nice dates (our favorite brunch spot, a few dinners out) and then two days before surgery we stayed in a nice hotel in Manhattan and had a city day out the next day (leisurely cafe time, a museum visit and some aimless wandering). It felt really special to have this time together and I’m glad we made some memories as a couple during this transitional time.

Bonding time might mean bonding with yourself, friends or other loved ones. In the flurry of the third trimester it might be nice to take sometime to chill and be with the people in your life / with yourself.

On the first few nights of collection, it took me around an hour to collect 1ml, but after a week I was able to fill a 4ml syringe in an hour. It would have probably gone faster to collect in two sessions (one in the morning and one in the evening) but I liked just collecting at night while watching some TV and chilling out. Warmth helps a lot, so a hot shower or bath beforehand can be beneficial or the use of a hot water bottle.

Do be sure to freeze your colostrum once you’ve filled the vial (don’t thaw it before use or to top off a vial). I kept half filled vials in the fridge and then moved them to the freezer when they were full but it’s probably recommended to immediately freeze whatever you collect and then start a new vial with the next collection — that being said my daughter didn’t have any issues with my collected colostrum.

Not all hospitals have fridge space for colostrum and once frozen it should stay frozen until right before baby has their meal. So do call ahead and ask your hospital. We ended up asking my mom to bring the colostrum on our second night once we were in a room with a mini fridge.

Brian and I also spent a lot of time thinking about sleep and sleeping arrangements before baby arrived. If space allows, having two different sleep spaces for adults can be helpful (one can totally be a couch) the key is being able to be far enough away from baby to get some quality sleep in (our apartment is pretty spacious for New York and I still need earplugs to not hear baby crying when she wakes up in her room). We ended up moving our old bed into baby’s room and spent the first 3 weeks sleeping together in there as a family. Turns out newborns can be VERY loud sleepers, so your mileage may vary on this set-up (I’ll get into this in the baby sleep section).

If you want it and are able to afford support post-birth, it can be helpful to start your search for practitioners ahead of time. I took a class with a lactation consultant since I wanted to try breastfeeding, which I found very helpful — some people also benefit from in-person lactation help in the first week postpartum (the first two weeks were by far the hardest and most painful! So getting help early is important if breastfeeding is something you are interested in). Brian also had a work benefit that made a night doula / night nurse / night support within reach for us. We had a night doula come 2-3 nights a week for the first 6 weeks and it was incredibly helpful especially in the first month. Sometimes these practitioners get booked-up months in advance, so it’s a good idea to get your search going before you need the help. There are also postpartum doulas who do day support as well and can cook/clean/hold baby for you and help with lactation support.

I tried to get baby to flip for around 2 months before being a peace with her positioning and starting to prep for a surgical birth. I found listening to breech birth stories on Yoga, Birth, Babies and talking to people whose babies were also breech to be really comforting.

If your baby is in breech and you’d like to try to get them to flip, there are a number of different techniques that people use. The most popular and recommended by doctors is ‘Spinning babies’ these are a series of exercises that you do daily to encourage baby to flip. It’s recommended to do them while baby is ‘awake’ and moving around. The second most popular is chiropractic support from a Webster certified chiropractor, you’ll want to go weekly and at the very least I found this work to be helpful for my carpal tunnel and other aches and pains from pregnancy. The third most popular is acupuncture and moxa. Moxa is an incense made from mugwort that is applied near the pinky toe at the bladder meridian. It’s supposed to encourage baby to flip along with activating other pressure points. All of these approaches have around a 60% success rate.

You will also hear of lots of at home remedies like playing music by your pelvis or shining a bright light on your belly or sitting in a bathtub with a bag of cold peas on the top of your uterus. I’m sure that some of these work for some people and none of them will hurt your baby, but there isn’t any science behind them. I really believe that some babies just don’t want to flip or can’t (my daughter had the cord wrapped around her neck twice) so be kind to yourself and to baby.

The last option for flipping a baby is an ECV or external cephalic version, which is done at the hospital and involves a doctor manually attempting to flip baby. These are popular in the UK but might not be supported by your doctor. I was given the option of an ECV at 39 weeks with an epidural and would have been induced if she had flipped. I ended up not going this route as I could just do a spinal with a planned c-section and was worried about the ECV turning into an emergency c-section vs. a planned c-section. Lots of people have successful ECVs or are allowed to try them earlier, so talk to your doctor about your options.

I do wish I’d read more about cesarean births earlier in my pregnancy and listened to more c-section birth stories before I was considering one. Unfortunately the c-section rate in the US is very high, so getting acquainted and comfortable with what the procedure involves might be helpful no matter what your birth plan is.

In the end, I loved the delivery of my daughter. Being planned, I was able to feel mentally prepared and to do things I loved in the days leading up to her birth. I felt super present and in the moment on the day of her birth and felt so grateful to have had an amazing support team who helped me to feel calm and centered. My daughter’s birth definitely wasn’t the one I had envisioned at the start of my pregnancy, but it still felt special and sacred. I share this hoping you will have the birth and labor of your dreams, but also to let you know that a cesarean doesn’t have to feel like a failure, it can be beautiful and you can feel close to your baby.

Through these sessions I decided to go for a planned cesarean versus trying for the ECV, I found it helpful to learn about the differences between epidurals and spinals and used that to make my decision.

If your cesarean is planned, then you should have information from your provider about how to prepare and your provider / the hospitals preferences. NYP Lower Manhattan where I delivered uses the ERAC/ERAS protocol (enhanced recovery after cesarean/surgery), which I believe helped to speed up my recovery. The focus for me was to go in as hydrated as I could and to have a meal within a safe window before surgery (for me this was 8 hours, it might be different for your provider).

I found it helpful to also do some prep at home for when I returned from the hospital. This included setting up snack and hydration stations at the spots where I thought I would be recovering / nursing and getting a squatty potty for our toilet. You’ll also want to have a gentle, scent free wash for the early days when you are showering (but don’t apply soap to your incision until it is healed!). I was curious about how c-section binders might help, so I also gathered a few different types from the parents group in my neighborhood (Park Slope Parents) but you might look on Buy Nothing or FB Marketplace for these. It turned out that the band I liked the most wasn’t the one I would have purchased so having a variety can be helpful.

You’ll also want to ensure that you have some high waisted underwear that will sit above your incision. The Frida mom mesh undies were also helpful for my first week home and I liked using them with pads more than I liked the idea of wearing adult diapers.

Brian and I also discussed what I would or wouldn’t be able to do in early recovery — like load dishes into the dishwasher, pick up anything but baby and that I might need help getting into and out of bed. Having this all out in the open made me less worried about asking for help when the time came.

Whenever you are able to start walking, it’s strongly advised to do so. This can just be slow and easy little walks around your room or just to the bathroom a few times. If you’re in a lot of pain, let your nurse know and they should be able to help you get to a place where you can move. You will have a lot of bloating in your legs and feet (so much!) so compression socks will be helpful and the movement helps too. I found getting in and out of bed to be the hardest thing to do post-surgery. Using the hospital bed liberally was great and staying in the hospital as long as they allow is also advisable. It can be annoying to have nurses coming in at weird hours, but the hospital bed, care for baby and you and meals provided are all really helpful and your rest and recovery is so important. I was approved to leave after 2 nights, but decided to stay for the full 4 days.

• A nail buffer Baby nails grow super fast and are so sharp and delicate. A nail buffer like the one from Frida makes it a lot less scary to deal with baby nails — the electric buffer is fast and painless and there’s no fear of cutting baby.
• Nursing pillows A helpful friend gave me two hand-me-down nursing pillows to try out, the ‘my breast friend’ and the ‘boppy’. In the hospital and until I felt secure about my c-section scar, I preferred the ‘my breast friend’ which I could fasten above my incision. After two weeks I preferred the boppy and we used it for helping guests hold baby and now for propping up baby (attended) for story and play time.
• Two way zip onesies We were passed down a lot of adorable clothing and I had dreamed about dressing baby in cute things I sewed for her, but the reality for us in the early days (and even into later months, especially as we had a winter baby), was that two way ‘sleep and play’ footie pajamas were easiest for frequent diaper changes and keeping baby warm and cozy. We really liked the ones from Old Navy, but there are lots of brands that make these.
• Wipes dispenser We were gifted a ‘perfect pull’ wipe dispenser by OXO from a friend who is a second time parent. I can’t tell you how much I love this thing, it makes pulling wipes out single handed very easy and keeps them from drying out.
• Diaper pail When babies are very new, their poop smells like croissants or pizza dough. It’s surprising and delightful, but this stage doesn’t last very long especially if you utilize formula in any amount. Also, babies poop a lot and if you’re like me you live in an apartment and smells tend to linger, so getting yourself a good diaper pail can really make life more pleasant. After a sort of infuriating amount of research, I went with the ‘Munchkin Step’ which has a deodorizing puck in it and a mechanism that twists the bag after each use. It requires proprietary bags, which is a bummer, but after having used other popular pails at the pediatrician's and friends' houses (diaper genie and Ubi pail) I can say that the Munchkin really holds the stink in much better.
• In sink tub My waking fantasy while washing my face every night before going to bed in the last month of my pregnancy was of bathing a baby in the sink. I couldn’t really picture what baby was going to look like, but I held in my heart this hope for a happy little baby in our otherwise ordinary and kind of ugly pedestal sink, splashing in the water and getting cozy before bed. I happened to find a ‘Puj Flyte’ infant sink insert on the street and we’ve been happily using it with baby every night since her third week. She loves it, she’s safe and cozy and when she outgrows this insert I’m going to cry and cry. The insert makes it easier to position babies and harder for them to sink below the water line. I truly love this piece of foam.
• A tracking app In the hospital you’ll probably be asked to keep track of feedings and diapers, and your pediatrician will ask about the in your first appointment. If tracking appeals to you (it very much did and does for me), the Huckleberry app can be a helpful tool. I really like how it has timers for each breast so you can attempt to keep things even, and after 3 weeks the ‘sweet spot’ nap predictors were actually super helpful. We’re a bit more lax about what we track now, but I still track sleep and nursing. We paid for the subscription before baby arrived and I don’t think it was really worth it, so at least try using it for a few weeks before paying.
• Somewhere safe for baby to sleep The politics of baby sleep are so fraught and so different depending on where you live, but the most important thing is that you find a consistent place for your baby to sleep that you feel comfortable with. Regardless of your views on co-sleeping, reading La Leche League’s guide to safe co-sleeping can be helpful. We only co-slept for two partial nights, but reading the guidelines helped me to relax. We opted for a snoo (more on that later) as well as a full sized crib and the bassinet attachment for our stroller.
• Something to make getting a walk in with baby possible Getting out and about in all weather can be a mental health saver. Also often little, little babies will like to have some motion when they nap. During my daughter’s first months of life I was often walking 5-11 miles a day for her naps. To start, a simple wrap carrier felt the coziest for everyone. From there we moved on to a hybrid wrap carrier that was easier to put on and then to stroller naps in the bassinet attachment. We used the bassinet as a way to wean baby towards stationery naps at home as well.
• A place for baby to play Just something soft that you can lay on the floor for baby to do tummy time or look up at a play gym on. We used a quilt doubled over and we really liked the wooden Ikea play gym I found on the street.
• A wipeable changing mat Accidents happen during changes, so something that’s easy to wipe clean can be really helpful. We bought a used ‘Keekaroo peanut’ and like it a lot.
• Bottles and formula Even if you plan to exclusively breastfeed, it can be good to have bottles and formula on hand in case you run into complications. Additionally, babies can experience ‘bottle refusal’ if they aren’t exposed to a bottle by 5-6 weeks. Our pediatrician and night nurse both encouraged us to introduce a bottle anytime between 3 and 5 weeks. We had a bunch of handme down bottles to try out in case she had a preference, but she was happy with the first one we tried the ‘Philips Avent’ so we’ve stuck with those. More on combo feeding later.
• Diapers People have LOTS of opinions about diapers, my suggestion is just to do whatever is easiest and feels best to you. We ended up going with Costco diapers and we order them online and have them sent to our apartment. When baby started sleeping through the night we would go a size up in the same diapers as a ‘sleep’ diaper.
• Burp cloths A parent at a meet-up I went to mentioned that she knew exactly one person whose baby didn't spit up constantly, so chances are good that your baby will be a spitter. Babies spit up a lot because their digestive systems are immature and because they eat often, they spit-up often. Having about 3x more burp cloths than you think you might need is probably a good start. We were handed down a bunch and I almost gave some away before the baby arrived, but we ended up wishing we'd still had more! Anything absorbent works!

1. Newborn babies can be very (very) loud when they sleep. Some babies apparently sleep so quietly that their parents have to check that they are breathing, but my daughter slept so actively and loudly at night in her bassinet. The best way I have heard to describe these noises are ‘barnyard sounds’ or as my OB put it, her husband was reading a zombie book when their first son was born and he was the perfect soundtrack. The reason newborns can be loud in their sleep is because a lot of their sleep is active AND they don’t really know how to pass gas / poop so they can use the wrong muscles when they try. Curiously, loud sleepers might be silent for contact naps. For my daughter her constant noise dropped down around the one and a half to two month mark. At that point she was only a bit noisy during sleep cycle transitions (every 45-55 minutes).
2. It’s hard to get an understanding of what baseline or normal is for sleep. For this reason, I found the ‘precious little sleep’ book to be helpful. It’s funny and informative and it gives you some ranges of what might be normal for a baby at a certain age. Looking to sleep consultants on social media or exhausted parents on Reddit I found to be actively detrimental to my mental health.
3. Your baby will eventually sleep. I promise, it will happen. But also know that it might change AND that ‘sleeping through the night’ is technically sleeping for 6+ hours.
4. Sleep when the baby sleeps is both the most infuriating advice and the most important. While I think this can be hard for naps, I found it really important for night time sleep. There have been many days I’ve gone to bed at 7:45 or 8p. Part of the reason for going to bed when you put your baby down, is that their first sleep stretch will tend to be the longest of the night, so if you stay up two or four hours past your baby, you might miss the longest stretch of non-interrupted sleep you can get that night.
5. Your baby might nap weird. I say this because my daughter likes taking two mega naps a day, when ‘technically’ she should be taking 3-5 naps. You’ll figure out what works best for you and your baby and don’t let anyone shame you about 45 minute naps or 3.5 hour long naps if that’s what works.
6. Be mindful of an overtired baby. Unlike adults, when a baby’s sleep pressure extends beyond a certain point they become ‘over tired’ and it’s a real bear to get them to sleep. You can look into ‘wake windows’ to determine how long your baby might be able to stay up at any given time, that being said my daughter liked having a 4 hour wake window before bed starting very early on.
7. Routines can help. Maybe my daughter likes routines because my partner and I do, but they’ve been working well for us. We have a consistent bedtime routine and wake-up routine and even when the day goes haywire with naps, bedtime has been good to us so far. We start with a little bottle, stories, a quick soap-less bath, baby massage and then a medium sized bottle with a song while she sits upright in our arms and then off to bed in a sleep sack with white noise. On waking, we give her some time to wiggle around on her own before coming into her room, then we chat with her in the bassinet, then pick up for a look out the windows and a nice big bottle. Ideally, I’d love to create a nap time routine for us soon too, but for now that’s just a quick ‘boobie snack’ and then into a sleep suit.

Some things that helped us with newborn sleep:

• Loop ear plugs I’m a very light sleeper so I found the Loop ‘switch’ ear plugs to be incredibly helpful, they enabled me to switch between different noise levels so I felt comfortable that I could hear my daughter when she needed me, but also it helped to drown out some of the little active sleep noises so I wasn’t popping up for every little squeak that she made.
• White noise For you and for baby! Anything to mask the noises that might be happening around everyone and to create a consistent atmosphere for sleep for everyone.
• Silent timer Early on in my daughter’s life I read the first half of ‘bringing up bebe’ a parenting book by an American woman raising her child in France. A lot of it is funny and weird but the concept of ‘le pause’ or waiting a few minutes before tending to a baby really stuck with me. Using a silent timer (it flashes a light versus making a sound) to count out 3 minutes really helped me in the early weeks. Three minutes when a baby is crying can feel like a literal eternity and the timer kept me grounded. The concept behind ‘le pause’ is that sometimes babies just need to make a little noise, so you could accidentally wake them up by tending to them too quickly, which could make it harder for them to learn how to connect sleep cycles.
• Love to dream sacks It was a major point of pride for me that I was able to master the classic hospital swaddle, but baby absolutely hated not having access to her hands so we only swaddled her for a few days back home. After that we moved on to the ‘Love to dream’ sleep sack that we had gotten as hand-me-down. They stifle some of the startle reflex and keep baby’s hands up by their face. We ended up using them to double swaddle her in her Snoo swaddle, but all of this is to say that if swaddling isn’t working for your baby and they seem to like their hands up, the ‘love to dream’ sleep sacks could be helpful!
• Snoo I have so many mixed feelings about the Snoo, a ‘smart’ bassinet that provides motion and white noise to calm babies. Snoos are abundant in Brooklyn, so we purchased one used with the hope of selling it when we were done with it, resulting in basically a free Snoo. When we first got home from the hospital it felt weird to strap baby in and let a robot jiggle her when she cried, but on the advice of our night nurse (more on night nurses later) we tried the baseline motion with our daughter to good effect. Our daughter is definitely a ‘motion junkie’ who loved naps on the go the best, so it made sense that a little soft rocking through the night might serve her well. Once the Snoo started working well (more on ‘rhythms we fell into’ later) I immediately started worrying about weaning her from it — it turned out we never needed to since our Snoo’s ‘O-ring’ wore out and we had to transition her cold-turkey to no-movement, just white noise. It turns out she did great and even slept a bit better without the movement. I do think that the Snoo helped my daughter to connect sleep cycles, but I’m not sure that she wouldn’t have figured it out on her own eventually anyway. It’s a toss up and in the broader scheme of things, I know I’ve been lucky with a ‘good sleeper’. If you want to read more about the Snoo, I’d recommend the r/Snoolife subreddit.
• A night nurse We were lucky to be able to hire night help / a postpartum doula / night nurse / baby nurse through a benefit at my partner’s job. We worked with a magical human being who was a lactation consultant at a hospital by day and spent her nights in homes around the tristate area helping babies and parents sleep. Our night nurse came 2-3 nights a week for 6 weeks, I think in retrospect if money was no object, we’d have had her come for 4-5 nights in the first 3 weeks and then gone down to two nights a week until 5-ish weeks. The night nurse helped me learn a lot about newborn sleep and my daughter’s sleep patterns, she also helped me with improving my latch with nursing and provided a ton of emotional support. If you can get this benefit through work, jump on it! If you can’t, perhaps it’s something you’d like to add to your registry? Additionally, just having a family member or friend come to relieve you some nights so you can sleep away from baby and have baby handed to you diapered to eat, can be really helpful.

Some things that helped me fall back to sleep naturally and that didn't knock me out so hard I worried I missed the baby crying:

• An acupressure mat Getting into a restful state when your body has been on high alert all day taking care of baby AND your anticipating getting up at any moment can be really hard. I found that laying on an acupressure mat to fall asleep helped to calm my nervous system and allow me to drift off more easily
• The podcast "Nothing really happens" We ended up needing to keep our baby upright for 10-15 minutes after she ate to help her not spit up, so after feeding her I would pop in my headphones and listen to a story on 'nothing really happens.' The podcast features calming bedtime stories that feel very dreamlike and I found that they helped me to visualize something calming as I tried to get back to sleep and to mentally prepare my body for sleep as I rocked the baby.
• Magnesium The same magnesium you might have been taking during your pregnancy is also helpful for drifting off to sleep early without being drowsy when you're woken up by baby just a few hours later.
• An eye mask I was never really an eye mask person before, but something about putting it on my face and the light pressure really helped my body to get ready for sleep once I lay back down in bed / on the couch. I liked a simple silk eye mask that I bought from Quince at 3am.

Additionally we had a tremendous amount of help from my mom, a genuine earth angel, who fed us for essentially every meal we ate for the first six weeks, held me when I cried, taught us how to soothe the baby to sleep and generally helped to keep our apartment and our minds tidy and warm.

We also were lucky to have professional help via a postpartum doula / night nurse who came over 2-3 nights a week for our daughter’s first six weeks of life. Our doula was also a lactation consultant, so she helped me with latch and breastfeeding issues I was having my first week. Night nurses are incredibly expensive and we were lucky to have a perk through my partner’s employer at the time that made it possible for us. That being said, if you can afford it at all, the first three weeks were really the most helpful, it allowed us to get some rest and to learn a ton about our baby, her cries and needs. Our doula helped us better understand when she was crying due to active sleep vs hunger, something I’m sure we would have figured out eventually but felt like having a bonafide baby witch (in the best way possible) in the house during the first month. If you are considering a birth doula, a lactation consultant and a postpartum doula / night nurse I would highly recommend prioritizing a postpartum doula and utilizing your hospital for the other roles.

What I wish I had thought more about was my own boundaries and wishes with visitors in the early days. I was lucky to mostly have people who didn’t push those boundaries, but we did have a few folks who made life at home a little less easy when they were around — something that’s no big deal during normal life, but can feel really nerve wracking and unsettling when you’re living on baby time.

Instead of saying what went wrong during these weeks, I’ll state that these are my new ground rules when I go to visit a new family, they're not necessarily what I would have expected and not all of these points might be necessary for all visits (eg. visiting a family member's baby for a quick 'hello'):

1. Come with something helpful in hand (a meal, snacks, beverages, a gift for the baby, etc) and let the family know that this is what I’m planning on bringing but say that I’m happy to bring or do something else if they prefer. Avoid the ‘what can I bring?’ question.
2. For close friends and family, visit before the baby arrives to see how they like their house set-up, where the trash gets put out, etc. So that I can do a few helpful tasks during my visit (even just taking the garbage and recycling out with me when I go), all without having to ask a family member how to do a task once the baby is there and life is upside down.
3. Be ready to stay for 10 minutes or for hours. Check-in regularly during the visit to see how they’re feeling about my presence, and come over with a suggested amount of time you’ll be spending.
4. Check-in before I head out to make sure they’re still up for a visit and text when I arrive vs. buzzing / ringing a doorbell.
5. Pay attention to pets and give them lots of love.
6. Never say anything negative about the baby or compare the baby to any other babies (this should be obvious, but it’s worth saying!). Praise the baby generously!
7. Ask before touching anyone (babies and parents).
8. Especially in the first few weeks — offer to do things that aren’t holding the baby (make lunch, run an errand, clean something).
9. Be open to changing a diaper.
10. Be open to holding and bouncing a tired, cranky baby.
11. Offer to take a photo of the birthing parent with their baby where everyone is looking good and feeling relaxed.
12. Ask both parents how they are feeling and really listen.
13. Especially in the first 2 months, talk quietly, regardless of if the baby is awake or not.
14. If offered to hold the baby or asked to hold the baby, follow the parents’ lead and try to mimic how they were holding the baby.
15. Never, ever, ever stay with the new family regardless of if they have an extra bedroom UNLESS I’ll be performing ‘night nurse’ like duties.

If you're the type of person who has a good idea of what your boundaries and needs will be, power to you! Share them with folks who will be visiting you in a support function and stand by them! While it might be awkward to share these 'guidelines' with visitors, it's a lot easier and less painful for everyone than having your boundaries violated and needing to suffer through in silence or confront someone in the moment. Good boundaries can help to strengthen and protect your relationships.

Finally, if you must have someone visit who you know is not going to respect your boundaries or specifically care for you and your new family -- try to avoid visits during a baby's growth spurts. These are times when babies might be especially fussy as they're going through a lot of growth and change. Growth spurts typically happen when your baby is around 2-3 weeks, 6 weeks (and later, too).

Another preface is that my breastfeeding journey was not complicated in any way, and that this is not always the case. If you struggle with breastfeeding and really want to do it, you’re not alone. Reaching out to other parents, an IBCLC or La Leche League can be helpful.

I went into pregnancy not expecting to be able to breastfeed and relatively ambivalent about how I’d feel if I wasn’t able to. I read the chapter on breastfeeding from Emily Oster’s ‘Crib Sheet’ and understood that with improvements to formula, breastfeeding has very small benefits these days over formula feeding, especially in areas with clean tap water. While pregnant (see Third Trimester notes) I started collecting colostrum and I met with a lactation consultant. Since I knew I would have a c-section, I was worried about a NICU stay and wanted to be able to have some colostrum on hand. To my surprise, my breastfeeding journey was very easy. My daughter latched in the ER and my mature milk came in on day 3 or 4. Breastfeeding felt good to me and my daughter ate well.

I knew that even though everything was going well, that eventually I’d want to be able to have other people feed the baby, so we started introducing a formula bottle at night at week 5. Bottle refusal can happen in older breastfed babies if a bottle isn’t introduced early and often enough, and this was an issue for a bunch of families in the baby groups I am a part of. We also wanted to ensure that she started to get used to formula, for whenever my breastfeeding time would end. A side effect of feeding her a bottle before bed was that we started to see her extend her night time sleep, so we decided that we’d always do a formula bottle before bed. We also decided around the one month mark to do a bottle in the morning so that I could sleep after her last night waking, formula was easier for my partner than expressed milk, so it’s what we used. I was lucky that my supply regulated after a few days with each feeding we lost, including when she started sleeping for 10+ hours.

If you are breastfeeding, you might be incredibly hungry! I was insatiably hungry for the first two months of my daughter’s life and losing weight rapidly for the first month. Be sure that you have lots of snacks and water on hand.

For formula feeding and bottle feeding we used filtered tap water for mixing formula since we live in a city known for its tap water, but boiling tap water first might make you more comfortable. We sanitized our bottles before using them for the first time and then just ran them through the dishwasher with our regular dishes and never had an issue, of course your baby might have an allergy so do what works best for you!

Rhythms we fell into in the first week

Anything and everything was on the table this week. We spent the first four days in the hospital, waking every few hours to feed the baby. We changed what felt like one million diapers and quickly felt adept at changing and feeding the baby. I felt an endless well of energy and fought off naps during the day. Once we were home, we slept in the same room as the baby. She was noisy, tiny and endlessly hungry. She napped randomly and mostly on the breast or in contact naps.

Rhythms we fell into during the second week

Day and night started to have their own textures. The baby ate more during the day and slept fitfully and loudly for a few hours at a time at night, always with her longest stretch starting after 9pm. She ate 2-5 times per night and almost constantly during the day. We started to be able to tell when she was crying from hunger or active sleep. She needed to be held to sleep from 5am-8am.

Rhythms we fell into during the third week

We had an out of town guest and a growth spurt. This was by far the hardest week of the fourth trimester. The baby was grumpy often, but started taking longer naps (mostly contact naps or walking) during the day and woke to eat 2-5 times per night. She needed to be held to sleep from 5am-8am.

Rhythms we fell into during the fourth week

Baby started to be awake a bit more during the day and we began to play with her and read to her. We started a bedtime routine, where we gave her a bottle, read to her and bathed her each night. She started going to bed around 8-9pm each night and woke 2-5 times a night to eat. If possible, she started to be even louder as a sleeper. She started being able to sleep in the morning without being held. She is still super grunty and I’ve moved to the couch outside of her room to try and sleep more.

Rhythms we fell into during the fifth week

Baby started to take more regular naps during the day in the stroller. We kept up the bedtime routine and her night wakings went down to 2-3 times a night. Naps are still all over the place and mostly happen while walking. I’m still sleeping on the couch.

Rhythms we fell into during the sixth week

Baby occasionally only has 1 night waking and takes longer naps, especially when walking in the stroller or the carrier. I’m still sleeping on the couch.

Rhythms we fell into during the seventh week

Baby usually only has one night wake-up and has started taking a long morning nap. She almost always goes to bed around 9pm after a long cluster feeding session.

Rhythms we fell into during the eighth + ninth weeks

Pretty much the same as the past week, but the baby sleeps through the night (11 hours) for the first time after her 2 month vaccines. She starts to be a quieter sleeper, but I still sleep with earplugs on the couch.

Rhythms we fell into during the tenth thru twelfth weeks

Baby starts sleeping through the night (10+ hours) going to bed at around 8p. She starts consolidating down to two longish naps, with the longer nap being 2-3.5 hours in the morning, usually on the move. I move back to my own bed and use the baby monitor with my pediatrician’s blessing. Occasionally we can get her to nap at home in her stroller bassinet, dressed as if she is going on a walk.